Visiting your loved one in a nursing home is hard.
You feel guilty. They might be angry or sad. You don't know what to talk about. The place smells weird. Other residents are yelling. It's awkward and uncomfortable.
I get it.
But regular visits matter—a lot. Here's how to make them better.
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1. Actually Show Up (Regularly)
The #1 thing you can do: Visit regularly.
Doesn't have to be daily. But it needs to be consistent.
Why this matters:
Residents who get regular visitors get better care (staff know someone's watching)It combats loneliness and depressionIt gives them something to look forward toYou can catch problems early (weight loss, new bruises, medication issues)How often:
Ideal: 2-3 times per weekMinimum: Once a weekCan't visit? Call or video chat regularlyPro tip: Come at different times (mornings, afternoons, evenings, weekends). See what care looks like when you're not expected.
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2. Don't Just Sit There Staring at Each Other
Visits don't have to be long, but they should be engaging.
Instead of just sitting and talking, try:
Going outside (if they can)Looking at old photos togetherReading to themPlaying simple games (cards, checkers)Watching their favorite TV showBringing their favorite snacks (check if allowed)Doing their nails or hairListening to music togetherBring the kids/grandkids:
Kids are a great distraction. Even if your loved one has dementia, kids can bring joy.
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3. Don't Complain About Your Life
This one's controversial, but hear me out.
Your parent is stuck in a nursing home. They've lost their independence, their home, their autonomy. They're bored and probably depressed.
Don't:
Complain about work, traffic, your spouse, your house, your problemsTalk about fun stuff you're doing (vacations, parties, dinners out)Make them feel even more isolatedDo:
Keep it light and positiveTalk about family news (new babies, weddings, funny stories)Ask about their dayShare memoriesFocus on them, not youReality check: You can vent to friends later. Visits should make them feel better, not worse.
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4. Bring Them Into Your Life
Just because they're in a nursing home doesn't mean they stop being part of the family.
Include them:
Bring family photos (new ones, not just old ones)Tell them about their grandkids' lives (school, sports, hobbies)Ask their opinion on things (family decisions, advice)Share funny storiesKeep them in the loopWhy this matters:
It makes them feel less forgotten. Like they still matter.
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5. Speak Up If Something's Wrong
You're their advocate. If you see problems, say something.
Red flags:
They're dirty, unbathed, or smell badBruises or bedsoresWeight lossNot getting medicationsCall lights being ignoredComplaints of pain being dismissedSigns of abuse or neglectWhat to do:
Talk to the charge nurse or floor manager firstIf no response, talk to the administratorStill no response? File a complaint with the state health department or contact the OmbudsmanDon't stay quiet. Staff know when no one's watching.
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6. Be Nice to the Staff
This sounds obvious, but it matters.
Staff remember which families are kind and which are jerks.
Be respectful:
Learn CNAs' namesSay thank youBring occasional treats for the staff (cookies, donuts)Don't yell at staff for things beyond their controlReport problems calmly, not aggressivelyWhy this matters:
Staff are overworked and underpaid. When they like you, they'll go the extra mile for your loved one.
(This doesn't mean ignore bad care. Just be respectful when addressing issues.)
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7. Don't Feel Guilty About Leaving
This is the hardest one.
Your loved one might cry when you leave. They might beg you to take them home. They might say "don't leave me here."
It's heartbreaking.
But you can't stay forever.
Remember:
They're safe and cared forYou're doing the best you canStaying longer doesn't make it easier—for them or youThey'll be okay after you leaveWhat to do:
Set a time for your next visit before you leaveKeep visits consistent (so they know you'll be back)Call or video chat between visitsDon't let guilt keep you from visiting (some people avoid visiting because it's too hard—that makes things worse)---
If They Have Dementia
Visiting someone with dementia is different.
Tips:
Keep visits shorter (they tire easily)Don't correct or argue ("Mom, I'm your daughter, not your sister")Go with their realityFocus on feelings, not factsBring familiar objects or musicDon't expect them to remember your last visitSometimes they won't remember you came. That's okay. The visit still mattered in the moment.
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The Bottom Line
Visiting is hard. Do it anyway.
It doesn't have to be perfect. Just show up.
Your loved one needs to know they're not forgotten.
That matters more than anything else.